Last Post

Well, I've decided to stop this for the time being. I don't know why, but I can't write like I used to before. I used to speak freely within my blogs but recently, I find it hard to even write anything meaningful without saying something too personal for the world to know. I feel my "secret diary" isn't so secret anymore.

So this will be the last update in a while. No doubt I'll keep writing, just not here.

-Phil

70%

It has been pretty much a week since I got back from Korea. That trip was awesome. This entry is a blog I wrote while on missions. This was after the first E-camp and before the Air Force retreat.

8/1/10

It's finally less than a week until I go back to California... already?

I can't believe it's almost over. I just can't believe it. The experiences and emotions of the trip were unique to this group and I can't thank God enough for putting each and every one of us on the team.

The times at Wonju will be memories that I will keep very close and dear to my heart. The children, the volunteers, the church staff members, even the head pastors. They are people that I will never forget. I will hold them close to my heart for the rest of my life.

But I have to remember this mission isn't over yet. God still has great things planned for this team and I'm anxious. I wonder what the Air Force children will act like. I wonder if they will come to respect us and love us as we love them back.

In the next three days, we will be blessed with more children from the Air Force academy. I know God has put a heart to be loved in each and every one of them, and I hope that we will be vessels for God's love to be poured onto them.

I learned a lot about myself on this trip also. What I can do, what I can't do, what I like, what I don't like, how I come off to others, how others influence me.

But that is for another day, another blog, another time.

God, use me as a tool for your Word and your Love to spread unto others.

-Phil

Overflowing Love

Amazing. Just amazing.

It's crazy how a messed up person like me can be used as God's tool to spread his love. This past four days really blessed me in ways unimaginable.

Four days ago, I never thought I would cry for those kids. Four hours ago, I was on the top of the stairs of the church laughing, crying, loving the moment, and hating the moment at the same time. Crazy huh?

Four days ago, I saw a bunch of kids who put up barriers and were stone cold. Four hours ago, I saw a bunch of kids who were crying with us, who were full of energy and life, and who were full of love.

My heart hurts because of these kids. The simple action of asking to hold my hand, hugging me randomly, or even tackling me to pet my hair pulls on my heartstrings. I've never had anybody ask to be loved. And when these kids threw those longing hearts onto me, I couldn't help but to get so attached to them. And when those connections and precious moments are suddenly stopped by the end of the E-camp, my heart hurts.

I'm so thankful for God giving me the eyes to see the transformation of the kids' hearts. The kids from day 1 were not the kids from day 4. They changed because of us, and we changed because of them.

I can't even put all my thoughts and emotions into words because they are so raw. God provides and he uses us, his tools, to spread his love. You only have to be willing and you will also be blessed.

I love these kids and I always will.

-Phil

A Child's Excitement

So I can't sleep again. Just one of those nights, I guess.

Actually, not one of those nights. Because "one of those nights" are nights where I have troubled things on my mind. This is not "one of those nights."

To be honest, I can't sleep because of pure excitement. Excitement for what? It might sound crazy, but I can't really name it either.

If I had to guess, I would say I'm excited for what God has in store for the upcoming sophomores. I heard they are a great class, and I can't wait. Their spiritual level, their social abilities, their unique quirkiness of yet again going from the top to the bottom in terms of the ministries. I can't wait for them to bless our ministry with their childlike faith. Mark 10:14 - When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these."

I feel a really nice vibe for the upcoming year with this group. And I can't be honored enough to even be on the council leading the student body. I get that feeling of excitement every time I think about it. I know we're only 3 people for now, but I can tell this is going to be a great year. I love the other two with all my heart and I can't think of another opportunity better than the one right in front of me, working with two great people who love the ministry as equally as I do.

I couldn't ask for a better SMT group, either. I can feel their love for God through all their hardships that they share. I know that it's going to be hard on the mission trip, but we can push through with God by our side. Proverbs 3:5-6 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.

It's 5:30 AM. I don't think I'm going to go to sleep.

Some random verses before I go that I thought were helpful when I fell into sin:

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 - God said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Psalms 119:105 - Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.

1 Peter 3:17 - For it is better, if it is the will of God, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.

-Phil

P.S. I'm a PHILosopher AKA Phil-AWESOMER!!!!! :) HAHAHAHAHAH (Shout out to Ben Yoo)

P.S.S. I'm REALLY REALLY excited. I'm jumping-in-my-room-at-5:30AM excited.

A New Chapter for All of Us

I couldn't say this at the senior banquet due to some eye malfunctions so I'll type it out - To the seniors, to my brothers and sisters: I wish you best of luck as you turn to a new chapter in your lives. I can't tell you how much this class of '10 changed and shaped my life and so I thank you. Thank you for being part of my life, thank you for being the sunshine to my darkness, thank you for being the jajangmyung to my champong. I hope we can live up to the glory you guys left behind. Thank you senior class of '10 I love you all!!!!!

How the times fly. I remember looking up at the seniors when I was a sophomore thinking they were so old and outgoing. Well I am now that image. I'm sad that my brothers and sisters are leaving, but I'm also glad to fill their shoes and do what they did to me.

I can't wait for the sophomores to come up into Journey ministry. I'm so excited to see what they have in store for the ministry. Remembering back, I didn't really want to leave YNJH and I'm sure they feel the same way. But I also remember the warmth I felt as I entered Journey ministry. I hope they feel the same warmth.

I'm really excited on what God has in store for this ministry next year. Thinking of the new sophomores, the reliable juniors, and my fellow seniors makes my heart happy. I really can't wait for the upcoming year. Good thing it starts next week.

And to my fellow seniors: WE RUN THIS TOWN

-Phil

Screaming the Anger Out

Today was a good day.

Surprisingly, it was one of the better days in a while. I had a SMT meeting to go to in the morning and a very hyped up wedding to attend in the afternoon. I get through the meeting and get excited as I see my friends coming in the room with suits in hand for the wedding. We get changed, hype ourselves up even more, and head out.

The ride there wasn't the average car ride. Driving through less than comfortable neighborhoods made the arrival to the wedding that much better. It was a great setting: right beside the golf course, overlooking the pond, the sun shining, a nice breeze flowing through.

The wedding was like any other, the groomsman looking as handsome as ever, the bride shining in the white wedding dress, and the bridesmaids and the groomsmen all lined up to watch. The vows were said, the rings were exchanged, and the greeting of their parents were done.

On with the reception right? Wrong. We didn't find our RSVP passes to the main hall, and it turns out we were put in the children area.

Bad.

With our tempers rising and our self esteem dropping, we decided to go to the beach.

Probably one of the most mind clearing moments of the year. I don't even know why. Just the sound of the ocean after a stressful day seems to make it all worth it.

I had some more time to think about my future and what it could possibly hold, and I confirmed that I'm not scared anymore.

These past two days were crazy in a good way. I can't even put my thoughts into words so for now, I'll leave you with this mess to figure out yourself.

-Phil

The Light for my Path

I always dodged the question of the future. What do you want to do? I don't know, I would always say. But as school winded down to an end, I was scared. Scared of a future that was hard to see. Scared that the answer I always gave didn't work anymore. I was scared to go on with my life.

Tonight changed everything.

Praise night was awesome. The message was great, the song selection was great, the experience was great. For some, it was a first encounter with God. For others, it was another experience of his great love. For me, It was a revealing experience. For some reason, I didn't want to mix God with my future. I always put that separately. Church and work. Always present, never together.

Throughout junior high and high school, I felt God pushing me to do ministry work in some way. Thinking of how hard and how long of a road that would take, I always pushed it away and tucked it under the fake dreams and aspirations.

Praise night changed everything. For some reason, I doubted God with my future. I don't know how, I don't know when this started, I don't know why. But now I don't care. Through all the hardships I've been through, there should be nothing that keeps me from doubting God.

Ministry is also a very big possibility for me in the future. Although I ignored it before, I feel the strong calling towards that area, but I will keep praying for it. Biola is also a big calling for me, so who knows? Maybe I just might become P(astor) Cho just like I've been called since seventh grade.

Some things that can't leave my mind:

Isaiah 6:8 "Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?' And I said, 'Here am I. Send me!'"

Mark 15:16 "He said to them, 'Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation.'"

Delirious - History Maker

Hillsong - Tell the World

Phil

A New Direction Toward Life

I'm back!!!! Man this blog has been gathering some dust over the weeks, hasn't it? Anyways, life can be hard to understand sometimes. For this post, lets try to make a list to make it easier for me to explain, shall we?

1) So a bunch of stuff happened from the last post to this one, and I'm happy to say that my dad and I are closer than ever. Our relationship had some bumpy times, but nothing is as smooth as you want it to be. You just have to deal with the mishaps and roll right along.

2 )In college terms, I found my general location: LA. I realized I can't leave my community within the church for a long period of time, because the church is my second home. It is where my heart lies, and where the deepest relationships are. Yada yada yada, you get the story. I'm pretty sure I wrote about that anyways somewhere on my blog.

3) My troubles with laziness is still evident, but I am being proactive with my work, and I think it's showing! It gets really hard with the ridiculous amount of work my teachers can give, but I'm getting through.

4) My spiritual life has grown so much. In the past couple weeks, I heard a whole slew of testimonies, both from my mom's experiences as a YN retreat leader and from a testimony shared at church today. Along with those and with the revision of my own testimony, I feel like a new person. Oh, also because I got confirmed into my church. Can't forget that one.

So basically, I'm writing this to just kinda summarize what happened over the long period where I didn't write anything. I'll go in depth with many of these topics later, but for now I just wanted to get this list out and show that I'm still alive and well.

-Phil

I Have a Cancer

Hate. Such a strong word. Such a dark word. Only under the utmost circumstances should the word hate be used. Not hate as in "I hate that color of that shirt." That's bullshit hate. I'm talking about the dark use of hate.

I hate myself. Truly, I despise myself. Always leaning towards one side, then the other, not being able to make concrete decisions, not being able to keep promises to myself and to others, not being able to stand on two feet and say proudly "Hi! I'm Philip Cho. Nice to meet you." I despise my own name.

Every time I see my name on a paper, I wince a little. I know that with my name on it, the standards are lower, the expectations are lower, the work input is lower.

But what I hate the most about myself is that I'm lazy. Such a trivial thing, why should I hate myself over that?

Laziness is a plague in my life. It is a cancer that I can't get rid of. I lived too long with it not knowing how painful it would be to be stuck with it. "Oh, I'll get myself straight when I get older. Oh, I can fix my habits easily, so I can wait. Oh, I'll just do that tomorrow."

Oh how I despise myself for that trait. It's disgusting. The tumor has grown to a cancer, the small disease has come to control my life.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

To be continued....

-Phil

Young Nak

A month huh? Crazy.....

Anyways, I'm back from whatever I was doing. I actually think I tried to avoid my blog. Don't know how, don't know why, I just did. Another entry for another day, I guess.

Lets recap on my life for the past month: I'm scared.

Yes, this is about college again. Actually, scratch that. It's about church. It's about Young Nak. It's about the whole experience.

I don't want to leave. I'm scared of moving away from LA solely for the fact that I'm scared to leave Young Nak. I mean, this is where I found God, this is where I found genuine love (other than family), and this is where I found my second home. I don't want to leave.

Thinking about where I am going to apply to college, I seem to have narrowed it down to two locations: LA or New York City. The big cities. The messy cities. The cities where everything is alive and moving.

If you know me, I love noise, movement, and anything messy. In fact, I don't even clean my room because I prefer messy over clean (sometimes I say that to my mom to get her off my back too). It makes me feel at home. If everything is neat and tidy, I feel out of place. A big clumsy person living in a geometrically symmetrical room just doesnt fit.

So that's why I chose these two cities. I love LA just because it's my home. It is familiar to me. And I chose New York City because the first time I went there, I fell in love. With the atmosphere, with a constant city-like sound, with the dirty sidewalks, with everybody going their own direction not noticing each other.

But now, even NYC scares me. I want to stay in LA.

Why? Because I don't want to loose the relationships I gained at YN, the brotherly and sisterly love that flows throughout the buildings and people. I don't want to leave that place. I don't want to leave those relationships behind and dive into something completely new. A blank canvas, if you will.

But who knows? God will throw me into something new, something unexpected like he did with me countless times. But I'll try not to be scared. Because every time I got plunged into something, He was always there to help me out. He was there to replenish my strength when it was all gone. He helped me fill that blank canvas once before, and he can do it again.

Of course, it's hard trying not to be scared. In fact, its impossible to not be scared. With such a huge bridge to cross, there is always a sense of hesitance. What God does is he takes that hesitance and replaces it with faith.

So lead me where you want me to go. Anywhere, any time, every day.

Phil

An Ant in the Colony

I wonder what the world would be like if I never existed. I know, self-centered. But that question really stuck onto my mind and it irritated me. Whenever I thought about the question, I always imagined myself as an ant living in one of millions of colonies all around the world. Just, 10 times bigger.

So what if that one ant died? Another one will spring up and take its place. It will seem almost like that first ant never existed. Well, surely he existed right? He lived for the colony, and died. But how is he remembered? Who will remember him? In a day? A month? A year? A century?

Whenever I went to see my grandmother and grandfathers graves, it was always riddled with weeds. Grass grew over the tombstone, where it said, "beloved mother, daughter, and grandmother." I always felt a little tingle whenever I read the last part. But as I walked around the cemetery, I saw the same quote tombstone after tombstone.

How are they remembered? Some tombstones are completely covered with grass, and they weren't buried there for a century. They were buried there for maybe a decade, before mother nature hid away the very certificate that that person existed,that that person was once alive and could breathe air. How are they remembered?

I'm talking about the normal people. The people who lived just like I did. The people who probably thought the same questions I thought.

I pondered around with this thought. How will I be remembered? What if I never existed? What would happen to the world? Would it stay the same, or would it change?

I came to the conclusion that the world wouldn't change without my existence. It wouldn't care whether I died or not. Its not like the world grieved for the dead ant. So kill the ant. Another one will take its place anyways.

But wait! Why am I comparing myself to an ant? I am a follower in Jesus, not just an ant. Sure, I might not change the world in a big way, but I'll change it within people's hearts, one at a time. Whether it be one person, or a million, I will have changed something. And in the end, getting the world to remember myself isn't the main goal.

It's to rejoice up to God with my grandmother, grandfather, my aunt, and everybody that died in His name.

So what if the tombstone is riddled with weeds? So what if nobody from the Earth remembers what you did, or what changed after your existence?

That's not the main goal. The ant might die, but the follower of Jesus Christ will never perish.

-Phil

Innocence Robbed

I miss the good old days. The days when nothing seemed to stress me out, nothing seemed to put me in a bad mood, when nothing seemed to restrict me from my happiness. Those days are gone. And they'll never come back.

I miss the days where I could run around on the beach with my sister and not have any worries in the world. I miss the days when we would try to dig holes all the way through the earth, and always stopped after the sand got cold. I miss the days when we drank coconut milk straight from the nut. I miss the days where the ocean shined with a turquoise ray across the horizon. Those were the good days.

I miss the days when I fell asleep because the room was silent. I miss the days when my house flooded with sunshine. I miss the warmth of the sun always shining down on my little body. I miss those days.

I miss the days where the sun would rise and fall on the ocean horizon and the golden rays would reflect on the ocean and the view would melt away any pain. I miss the days where the nights were warm enough to walk around with shorts and a t-shirt. I miss those days.

But what I miss the most is the sky. Oh the beautiful sky. Such a rich blue with white fluff floating carelessly with bird flying by every now and then. The sky would be my sanctuary. It would heal anything when I looked up, and it would plunge my mind into wonder. Whenever I looked up, I would be in awe of the beauty and wonder that took control of my mind. Every time I looked up, I would gasp in wonder while basking in the sun.

Even on the plane, I would always take the window seat, and I would stare out into the clouds for hours. While dreaming, there would always be that one constant thing that I would always remember. The sky. Whether it was a good dream or a bad one, I would always remember what the sky looked like, what the clouds looked like, and what the color was. Why did it captivate me as it did?

I miss those days, because I can't relive them ever again. Even the sky.

Sure, there's blue skies and clouds here also, but what I was robbed of was my innocence. The real world came down, and it stole what I loved most.

Now, the sky is, to me, a big wasteland, smog, countless amounts of planes, filth. Living life robbed me of that. More like, living with hate, disgust, and stress robbed me of my innocence.

I really miss those days.

-Phil

Never in my Wildest Dreams

How does He do it? He somehow manages to balance the scale of the world in his hand, and finds time to answer prayers.

This retreat, what struck me the most was not from retreat. It was surprisingly my sister.

It was about 10 seconds from the moment I saw her at church, and the moment she walked away and I went into the sanctuary, but those 10 seconds were unforgettable. Here's why:

Ever since I was in 8th grade and was at SMT Tijuana, I prayed for my family, but mainly my sister. Reason being, she hated church, but more so God. She despised him so much that sometimes she wouldn't go to church and tell my mom she did (when she got her license).

For some reason, I detected the lies, but I didn't know what to do except pray for her, so that's what I did. For four years, I prayed for her to go to church, to start attending regularly, to even give God another chance.

I saw no change. I saw nothing transforming. I saw disappointment on my face.

I gave up my prayer for junior year thinking it was a lost cause. But, somehow, some way, she changed last winter break. Her life broke down to her very foundations and it was rebuilt.

Her image from the senior year of highschool to sophmore year of college are direct opposites. She was selfish and hated everything about the family, but when she came home from college, she made a genuine effort to connect with every single one of the members of my family.

For example, whenever I talk to her now, she doesn't give me the evil look but she gives me a smile and actually acknowledges my existence (trust me, it can hurt when all she gives me is a glare).

But I didn't think she changed her habits on church.

New years came around, and we were all sharing our resolutions, and unbelievably, hers was to attend church while going to college, and to start fixing all the wrongs she committed when she was younger.

What the heck? That didn't sound like my sister. So I simply brushed it away thinking it was complete crap.

But God does crazy things. When retreat moved down to the college ministry on Sunday, I felt a sadness that we were back so early. But then, my sister actually poked me first and said hi. I was surprised that 1) she would do that in front of my friends and 2) she was at church.

So she said hi, and asked us why we were down so early. I answered, and she left.

It didn't hit me until later, but I realized that was church. That was actually next to the sanctuary she was in, where God was in, where her fellow classmates and students were in.

During the afternoon praise, all I could think about was my sister and my 4 years of prayer. All this time, God was listening after all. All this time, he didn't fail me, when I gave up. All this time, he was with my sister in her time of need.

So even when we fail, God doesn't. His unfailing cross saved my sister and united my family again.

God works in the weirdest ways and it's awesome!!

-Phil