I Have a Cancer

Hate. Such a strong word. Such a dark word. Only under the utmost circumstances should the word hate be used. Not hate as in "I hate that color of that shirt." That's bullshit hate. I'm talking about the dark use of hate.

I hate myself. Truly, I despise myself. Always leaning towards one side, then the other, not being able to make concrete decisions, not being able to keep promises to myself and to others, not being able to stand on two feet and say proudly "Hi! I'm Philip Cho. Nice to meet you." I despise my own name.

Every time I see my name on a paper, I wince a little. I know that with my name on it, the standards are lower, the expectations are lower, the work input is lower.

But what I hate the most about myself is that I'm lazy. Such a trivial thing, why should I hate myself over that?

Laziness is a plague in my life. It is a cancer that I can't get rid of. I lived too long with it not knowing how painful it would be to be stuck with it. "Oh, I'll get myself straight when I get older. Oh, I can fix my habits easily, so I can wait. Oh, I'll just do that tomorrow."

Oh how I despise myself for that trait. It's disgusting. The tumor has grown to a cancer, the small disease has come to control my life.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

To be continued....

-Phil