How important are the days I'm living right now? Seriously, how important are they?
That's what I've been saying ever since I heard that junior year would be the death of my social life, and the birth of a working life.
To be honest, the future scares me. Where am I going to go? How am I going to cope with the new challenges I'm put through? Will I even make it to college? So much stress for a kid living in a world that might not even change if that kid didn't exist.
I know I just said this a second ago, but the future scares me. It REALLY scares me. I hate to know that I get compared to my sister in every aspect of my life. If you looked up "perfect child" in the dictionary, the definition would be Deborah Cho; Cornell University sophmore; 4.8 gpa. The perfect child.
Well, what's my definition?
I know without a doubt that my sister will find a great job, live a great life, find a great husband, and enjoy every second of it. GUARANTEED.
Where will I go? Why did the stress suddenly hit me on the side of the head this year? Was it always there waiting to hit me? Why am I so incompetent compared to my sister, the "perfect" one? If she's so perfect, why am I so flawed?
I know everybody says they don't compare me to her, but that's completely bullshit. I'm sorry, but it is. Every time I talk about my sister, they ask, where does she go? And whenever I answer Cornell, they gasp and they congratulate me like the level of knowledge passes on from sister to brother. Yeah right... "Congratulations! Are you going to Cornell?" "I guess you're as smart as your sister." "Wow..."
I wish. That kind of school is only for the elite of the elite, where I don't even come close.
Even asking me where she goes puts her next to me, like examining two products on eBay to see which one is better, which one is made of more quality, which one will outlast the other.
She's always the higher standard. The standard where even if I work to the best of my abilities, I won't even reach.
I love my sister to death and wouldn't trade her for anybody else in the world, but her existence in my life seems to always make it harder.
I guess I think too extremely while the perfect and the flawed and the incompetent, but it isn't too extreme. It's reality.
I know God has a path set for me, but it's human to doubt, to fear, to duck and cover. I just wish I knew some sort of direction in where I should end up. I feel like I'm in a huge room where nothing is visible, and I have to find the exit that leads me to my purpose in life.
I feel like I'm a camper in a dark dense forest, that forgot to bring a light of some kind. I feel stupid for not remembering, and I feel scared for the darkness around me.
In some kind of way, I feel the light I forgot to bring is God. I left him behind in my search for my future. Without him, I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel like nobody else can feel my pain. But Jesus can. He felt it with every pound to the nails driven into his hands and feet, and with every stab through his sides. He can feel my pain. He can relate. Now, I just have to relate back.
Without God, my flashlight in the darkness, I'm lost. I'm lost in the darkness called the future and I need to find the exit. I need to find my purpose.
So, what's MY definition?
Phil
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once again, i'm feeling the same way about my future. i'm scared to death now that senoir year and applications are coming closer.
ReplyDeletethe fact that i haven't even started to study for the sats also doesn't really do good to stop my worrying.
i guess i would have to say that i only get frustrated cause i give myself such high standards. honestly, when i look at my parents or my sister, they all went to colleges as their second choice, they all wanted to pursue something else like my mother wanted to be a singer, my father a solider, and my sister wants to be a singer, so none of them really cared much about college.
but i feel like even without the stress of having to live up to my parents or my sister, i get that from myself A LOT and from other people. i don't want to be another asian that gets into UCI, or another person lost in UCLA. that's why i want to get into a college in the east coast but then again there's the problem with financial aid. and the worries go on forever.
and i know this is a bit selfish i guess, and very human of me, but recently i've struggled with the fact that i always have to rely on God in order for my life to feel fulfilled. I've tried to figure out other ways for my life to make sense without God, but my stubborn self doesn't want to believe that my one way ticket to happiness and fulfillment is through God. I just don't like the idea i have to rely on someone else in order for me to gain true happiness.
so i'm feeling this a becoming a big issue.
i just rambled. mostly.
about myself. lol. sorry phil.
i care about you too.
pretend everythign i just said, was supposed to comfort you. indirectly. ahhaha
DON'T WORRY PHIL you'll do fine.
PHIL.
ReplyDeleteI always love your posts. I tell you this every time I read it, but still.
I agree, it's hard to live up to your sister. But I can't say anything because I can't compare-- I don't have an older sibling that I'm constantly examined side-by-side to. But you guys are different people. And so what if you don't go to Cornell?
Honestly- this may sound retarded and cliche- but God knows where you will go. And where ever you end up was always his plan for you.
And I always knew in the back of my mind, but I didn't truly believe it until senior year started. I realized that it's true- you will end up where He already chose for you. And it'll be the perfect place for you.
So don't worry about going to a top, elite school. Don't worry about anything. He will show you signs of where to apply and where to not apply. He will give you rejection letters to let you grow and let you find where you truly belong.
Just be open to new ideas. Pay attention to small details. And don't spend time doing something that you aren't passionate about.
If school's not your passion, don't waste your time taking ridiculous, rigorous AP classes. Spend time taking extra music classes, or art classes, or cooking or WHATEVER interests you.
Just because you're Asian doesn't mean you have to excel in school.
Phil, you're going to be someone great. You don't have to go to an elite school or marry well or have a great job to be someone extraordinary.
You will be something. If you don't know now, so what? You're on the same boat as 90% of all high school kids.
LOVE YOU. I'm thankful for you, along with many other people in the world. So to us, you're already someone great.