Dark Secrets

Ok, so that last post was kind of jumbled and extreme. I was really mad. But there's a better explanation of why I was mad at my dad. It wasn't all because of the events that took place that day, but rather the events that took place throughout my whole life.

Every Christmas I could remember from the time I was living in Guam, my dad was absent. I woke up happy to see the presents, and as I run to them, I notice my sister, my mom. No dad. There was space for him to be there. There was always a space for him in the family. But he wasn't there.

From one year to the next, my life changed and changed, but one thing stayed constant: somehow he always seemed to have to do something on that day. That day, where nobody was working, when nobody was doing something else, he was working. He was doing something else.

I remember one Christmas day in particular like it was yesterday. I woke up at around 7:30 in the morning and went downstairs to find my mom and my sister already sitting on the couch with my present in hand. I got excited and ran down. I sat at the edge to the left next to my mom, and next to her my sister. The sun was shining particularly brightly into the window to the back of my head. It was a beautiful day.

But I noticed something was missing. I looked around as I made my first tear into the present and noticed that my dad wasn't there. Pain and sadness filled my insides so much it hurt. My heart, my stomach, my guts, they all hurt as if somebody was reaching in and ripping them out. I looked down again at my present, and found out what I really wanted for Christmas, a whole family just enjoying each others company.

That was when I was about 9 years old. The next Christmas, he wasn't there, and the next, nope. This continued up until this Christmas. I guess all that sadness and anxiety turned to anger and hatred when I realized this. Unconsciously, the emotion swelled. It brought back lots of memories where my dad was absent. The little times, when he asked me how old I was, the missed birthdays, the mornings that I woke up knowing my dad didn't come home last night. All of those thoughts rushed back to me.

And I blew up.

There's still anger that's in me because of my dad. I mean, I was traumatized. Knowing I had a father, and yet knowing he's not going to be there during the important days of our lives together. As a family.

But I think I released a lot of that pent up emotion stored in the deepest recesses of my mind this week. We went on a family trip to Death Valley and relaxed. We spent time as a family without any distractions like school, work, or news for that matter.

My resolution for 2010 is to regain some ground with my dad, and restore the anger into love for him. No doubt, I love him, but we can still butt heads once in a while.

How come I only get mad at the people I truly love? Hahahahah food for thought.

-Phil