On the Brink of Destruction

Merry Christmas? No, not for me.

This was one of the worst day ever. And the fact that it happened on Christmas just makes it worse.

The day started out with everybody all jolly and joyful and crap like that. It ended with me trying not to destroy everything in the backyard with tears flowing down my face.

How did that happen? Who did what? How come you did that?

My dad was the catalyst for the masses of events that would eventually break me apart.

It started off with Christmas service. Everybody was there. I saw so many people from high school, college, and even some parents that I felt happy. I felt warm inside with all the memories shared with them. My dad was working the volunteer booth with his church buddies.

After service, we all went home. So far, so good.

We go home, and we all do our separate things. My sister washes the dog, I prepare the garlic for the food, my mom washes dishes, and my dad builds something outside. Seeing that my dad wasn't as fit as he was 20 years ago, I decided to lend him a hand.

I go outside, and it turns out, hes building a big box of some sort out of wood. He, always being stubborn, tries to deny my help. I go back inside, and get back to my own work. Then, I see him again, bending down sawing away at this plank of wood with the wrong tool. I get back outside and grab the right saw and I cut the rest for him.

After all the pieces were cut, for some reason he lays them out on the dirt. We have a huge cement patio type of thing big enough to fit the frame, but he lays it out on the dirt. The whole frame is lopsided because of the bumpy ground so I suggest to him to move it on the cement.

Completely ignored.

He continues to hammer the wrong nail into the wrong spot with the whole thing unbalanced. I tell him again, but he says its fine, he can do it. After the first nail (that didn't go through to the connecting piece), he told me to do the rest.

At this point, I started to get kind of angry, because he didn't even listen to my advice, he completely blew me off, then once he got tired, he called me to finish the job.

Seeing that he was my dad, I kept my anger to a minimum and hammered away. After 30 minutes of relentless backpain from the hammering, he brings out screws and corner locks for ME to put in.

I put in half, and then get tired, so I tell my dad I'm going inside for a minute. I come back out, and he says to me, "Decided to help me now?" Now? NOW? What have I been doing for the past half hour while he was sitting down WATCHING me work? I offer him help, he denies it, then calls for my help again, and doesn't recognize the fact that I helped him hurting my back, while he was relaxing.

Now, I'm pissed but I held it in.

I manage to get to my cousin's place without exploding at him. I get there, and I see my uncle. He's the only person I truly hate. I despise him. He treats my parents like crap, he treats me like crap, but he treats my grandparents worse than anybody else. He treats them as if they didn't belong in the house.

Every time I see him, I get angry, so I obviously avoid him. I avoid him, he avoids me. Works out fine.

I start to relax with everybody and I start to have a good time. Then my dad came.

It was dinner time, and my dad came up to me and told me to go pray in english. Why? Knowing that if I did that, everybody would give me glory for something I didn't deserve. So I declined.

But he started to get louder and louder with each command. I said no just the same every time.

I know, praying for the food is no big deal, but remember I was really pissed at my dad. If anybody else asked me, I would do it. Anybody. I know I'm acting like a bitch towards my dad, but you have to understand, this isn't a one time thing. He does it every single time with the backyard work, with the family gatherings, with the stubbornness.

At that point, I was really pissed. I knew if I blew up, then the whole house would have no more fun, no more food, no more enjoyment of each others company. So I isolate myself from the group.

Seeing that I had to drive my mom, sister, and her boyfriend home, I had to stay there until the end doing nothing in fear of exploding with anger.

I made it to the end of the day, and I drive home. I guess I was driving a little fast, because I was pissed. I pull into the driveway and my anger is about to overflow. I know if I make it to my room, I would be able to sleep through the night and calm down. But no, that never happened.

My sister, in her asshole-ish tone said right after I stopped, "You suck at driving."

Well fuck you. Fuck everybody. I exploded.

I'm sorry Jesus.

-Phil