Wow.... where to begin.
I never thought I would actually come to make this. This really is crazy. Why am I doing this? I guess I just can't open up myself to any one thing and feel fully understanded. Yeah.... thats why. To pour out my heart without anybody crushing it.
Man even just that part made me feel happier. How come I didn't make one earlier?
Anyways, this past week or so has been crazy. No, over crazy. It's opened my eyes. I feel the sky just darkened, the dark advanced, and the light was shaded. Too much information went through to my brain over the last few days.
It just hurts watching others get hurt by drugs or alcohol. I feel horrible standing next to them not being able to do anything. ANYTHING to help them. How do I help them? They're so far down the line, even the small little sayings that I encourage to them on a daily basis won't work. Sure, they say it's fine and they NEED it. But do they really? Is it necessary? Is it vital to them to function properly? They're so far down the line, I feel I can't help them back up. I feel useless.
It just enrages me. Just think! How could they even go down that path? Why dive into a pool of drugs and alcohol........ I want to help but I can't. How can I offer help if the minds and the hearts of those in need are not ready for it? Its like running into a wall where on the other side is a world full of hate and pain ready to be fixed. I want to fix that, but I can't. The worst part is, the people on the other side erected the wall.
I'm just down. I feel worthless. Do I really make an impact on anybody?
So much pain so much pain through the thoughts of watching friends, family, even strangers go down the wrong path: the path leading nowhere but to worse things. Strangers! How can that be? I don't even know them, we've never met, we never had a social connection. And yet, my heart aches for them. Where will they be in 20, 10, or even 5 years from now doing the same stuff day after day... It just hurts thinking of the possibilities.
Even my spiritual life is dwindling. Sure, it was great during missions and retreats, and even at church, but outside of all that, I feel it is nonexistent. The worst part is, I know that, and it pains me. It hurts me every day knowing that, but I don't have the willpower to stop and change directions. Am I on the same road down the way to worse things? Is this the start?
I hope it's not. I don't want to go down that road.
This blog is a test of faith for me. I have so many unanswered questions. I need answers. I need guidance. I want to see if this can change my life. For the first time, I'm writing down my life in a solid form of a diary, or a journal. This is the fork in the road leading up or down. This is the solid proof of the fact that I am lost. This blog, hopefully, will change my life.
Feels good to let it all out
To my journal,
Phil
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Powerful. I feel the same man. Hope all is alright for you.
ReplyDeleteI guess I could say writing is a great way to bring out your emotions hahaha. So I think it's a great idea that you made this blog. Hope everything will be fine with you.
To pour out my heart without anybody crushing it.
ReplyDeletei can relate to that ALLLL THE WAYYY.
and don't worry phil, your presence does change people! just don't doubt yourself.
whenever i feel useless i think of James Stewart in 'It's a wonderful life' and imagine a world where i never existed.
sure it might be really lame or kind of celf-centered. but at least it helps you know that you do have the power to impact someone's life.
Phil I feel the same way as you! About being helpless to friends, family, and even strangers. And I think I know why you're talking about this, especially after being with you Saturday night.
ReplyDeleteAnyway. I'm glad you have a blog! I had no idea. But I hope you keep up with this so I can read it :) I love you!