A Child's Excitement

So I can't sleep again. Just one of those nights, I guess.

Actually, not one of those nights. Because "one of those nights" are nights where I have troubled things on my mind. This is not "one of those nights."

To be honest, I can't sleep because of pure excitement. Excitement for what? It might sound crazy, but I can't really name it either.

If I had to guess, I would say I'm excited for what God has in store for the upcoming sophomores. I heard they are a great class, and I can't wait. Their spiritual level, their social abilities, their unique quirkiness of yet again going from the top to the bottom in terms of the ministries. I can't wait for them to bless our ministry with their childlike faith. Mark 10:14 - When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these."

I feel a really nice vibe for the upcoming year with this group. And I can't be honored enough to even be on the council leading the student body. I get that feeling of excitement every time I think about it. I know we're only 3 people for now, but I can tell this is going to be a great year. I love the other two with all my heart and I can't think of another opportunity better than the one right in front of me, working with two great people who love the ministry as equally as I do.

I couldn't ask for a better SMT group, either. I can feel their love for God through all their hardships that they share. I know that it's going to be hard on the mission trip, but we can push through with God by our side. Proverbs 3:5-6 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.

It's 5:30 AM. I don't think I'm going to go to sleep.

Some random verses before I go that I thought were helpful when I fell into sin:

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 - God said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Psalms 119:105 - Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.

1 Peter 3:17 - For it is better, if it is the will of God, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.

-Phil

P.S. I'm a PHILosopher AKA Phil-AWESOMER!!!!! :) HAHAHAHAHAH (Shout out to Ben Yoo)

P.S.S. I'm REALLY REALLY excited. I'm jumping-in-my-room-at-5:30AM excited.

A New Chapter for All of Us

I couldn't say this at the senior banquet due to some eye malfunctions so I'll type it out - To the seniors, to my brothers and sisters: I wish you best of luck as you turn to a new chapter in your lives. I can't tell you how much this class of '10 changed and shaped my life and so I thank you. Thank you for being part of my life, thank you for being the sunshine to my darkness, thank you for being the jajangmyung to my champong. I hope we can live up to the glory you guys left behind. Thank you senior class of '10 I love you all!!!!!

How the times fly. I remember looking up at the seniors when I was a sophomore thinking they were so old and outgoing. Well I am now that image. I'm sad that my brothers and sisters are leaving, but I'm also glad to fill their shoes and do what they did to me.

I can't wait for the sophomores to come up into Journey ministry. I'm so excited to see what they have in store for the ministry. Remembering back, I didn't really want to leave YNJH and I'm sure they feel the same way. But I also remember the warmth I felt as I entered Journey ministry. I hope they feel the same warmth.

I'm really excited on what God has in store for this ministry next year. Thinking of the new sophomores, the reliable juniors, and my fellow seniors makes my heart happy. I really can't wait for the upcoming year. Good thing it starts next week.

And to my fellow seniors: WE RUN THIS TOWN

-Phil

Screaming the Anger Out

Today was a good day.

Surprisingly, it was one of the better days in a while. I had a SMT meeting to go to in the morning and a very hyped up wedding to attend in the afternoon. I get through the meeting and get excited as I see my friends coming in the room with suits in hand for the wedding. We get changed, hype ourselves up even more, and head out.

The ride there wasn't the average car ride. Driving through less than comfortable neighborhoods made the arrival to the wedding that much better. It was a great setting: right beside the golf course, overlooking the pond, the sun shining, a nice breeze flowing through.

The wedding was like any other, the groomsman looking as handsome as ever, the bride shining in the white wedding dress, and the bridesmaids and the groomsmen all lined up to watch. The vows were said, the rings were exchanged, and the greeting of their parents were done.

On with the reception right? Wrong. We didn't find our RSVP passes to the main hall, and it turns out we were put in the children area.

Bad.

With our tempers rising and our self esteem dropping, we decided to go to the beach.

Probably one of the most mind clearing moments of the year. I don't even know why. Just the sound of the ocean after a stressful day seems to make it all worth it.

I had some more time to think about my future and what it could possibly hold, and I confirmed that I'm not scared anymore.

These past two days were crazy in a good way. I can't even put my thoughts into words so for now, I'll leave you with this mess to figure out yourself.

-Phil

The Light for my Path

I always dodged the question of the future. What do you want to do? I don't know, I would always say. But as school winded down to an end, I was scared. Scared of a future that was hard to see. Scared that the answer I always gave didn't work anymore. I was scared to go on with my life.

Tonight changed everything.

Praise night was awesome. The message was great, the song selection was great, the experience was great. For some, it was a first encounter with God. For others, it was another experience of his great love. For me, It was a revealing experience. For some reason, I didn't want to mix God with my future. I always put that separately. Church and work. Always present, never together.

Throughout junior high and high school, I felt God pushing me to do ministry work in some way. Thinking of how hard and how long of a road that would take, I always pushed it away and tucked it under the fake dreams and aspirations.

Praise night changed everything. For some reason, I doubted God with my future. I don't know how, I don't know when this started, I don't know why. But now I don't care. Through all the hardships I've been through, there should be nothing that keeps me from doubting God.

Ministry is also a very big possibility for me in the future. Although I ignored it before, I feel the strong calling towards that area, but I will keep praying for it. Biola is also a big calling for me, so who knows? Maybe I just might become P(astor) Cho just like I've been called since seventh grade.

Some things that can't leave my mind:

Isaiah 6:8 "Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?' And I said, 'Here am I. Send me!'"

Mark 15:16 "He said to them, 'Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation.'"

Delirious - History Maker

Hillsong - Tell the World

Phil

A New Direction Toward Life

I'm back!!!! Man this blog has been gathering some dust over the weeks, hasn't it? Anyways, life can be hard to understand sometimes. For this post, lets try to make a list to make it easier for me to explain, shall we?

1) So a bunch of stuff happened from the last post to this one, and I'm happy to say that my dad and I are closer than ever. Our relationship had some bumpy times, but nothing is as smooth as you want it to be. You just have to deal with the mishaps and roll right along.

2 )In college terms, I found my general location: LA. I realized I can't leave my community within the church for a long period of time, because the church is my second home. It is where my heart lies, and where the deepest relationships are. Yada yada yada, you get the story. I'm pretty sure I wrote about that anyways somewhere on my blog.

3) My troubles with laziness is still evident, but I am being proactive with my work, and I think it's showing! It gets really hard with the ridiculous amount of work my teachers can give, but I'm getting through.

4) My spiritual life has grown so much. In the past couple weeks, I heard a whole slew of testimonies, both from my mom's experiences as a YN retreat leader and from a testimony shared at church today. Along with those and with the revision of my own testimony, I feel like a new person. Oh, also because I got confirmed into my church. Can't forget that one.

So basically, I'm writing this to just kinda summarize what happened over the long period where I didn't write anything. I'll go in depth with many of these topics later, but for now I just wanted to get this list out and show that I'm still alive and well.

-Phil

I Have a Cancer

Hate. Such a strong word. Such a dark word. Only under the utmost circumstances should the word hate be used. Not hate as in "I hate that color of that shirt." That's bullshit hate. I'm talking about the dark use of hate.

I hate myself. Truly, I despise myself. Always leaning towards one side, then the other, not being able to make concrete decisions, not being able to keep promises to myself and to others, not being able to stand on two feet and say proudly "Hi! I'm Philip Cho. Nice to meet you." I despise my own name.

Every time I see my name on a paper, I wince a little. I know that with my name on it, the standards are lower, the expectations are lower, the work input is lower.

But what I hate the most about myself is that I'm lazy. Such a trivial thing, why should I hate myself over that?

Laziness is a plague in my life. It is a cancer that I can't get rid of. I lived too long with it not knowing how painful it would be to be stuck with it. "Oh, I'll get myself straight when I get older. Oh, I can fix my habits easily, so I can wait. Oh, I'll just do that tomorrow."

Oh how I despise myself for that trait. It's disgusting. The tumor has grown to a cancer, the small disease has come to control my life.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

To be continued....

-Phil

Young Nak

A month huh? Crazy.....

Anyways, I'm back from whatever I was doing. I actually think I tried to avoid my blog. Don't know how, don't know why, I just did. Another entry for another day, I guess.

Lets recap on my life for the past month: I'm scared.

Yes, this is about college again. Actually, scratch that. It's about church. It's about Young Nak. It's about the whole experience.

I don't want to leave. I'm scared of moving away from LA solely for the fact that I'm scared to leave Young Nak. I mean, this is where I found God, this is where I found genuine love (other than family), and this is where I found my second home. I don't want to leave.

Thinking about where I am going to apply to college, I seem to have narrowed it down to two locations: LA or New York City. The big cities. The messy cities. The cities where everything is alive and moving.

If you know me, I love noise, movement, and anything messy. In fact, I don't even clean my room because I prefer messy over clean (sometimes I say that to my mom to get her off my back too). It makes me feel at home. If everything is neat and tidy, I feel out of place. A big clumsy person living in a geometrically symmetrical room just doesnt fit.

So that's why I chose these two cities. I love LA just because it's my home. It is familiar to me. And I chose New York City because the first time I went there, I fell in love. With the atmosphere, with a constant city-like sound, with the dirty sidewalks, with everybody going their own direction not noticing each other.

But now, even NYC scares me. I want to stay in LA.

Why? Because I don't want to loose the relationships I gained at YN, the brotherly and sisterly love that flows throughout the buildings and people. I don't want to leave that place. I don't want to leave those relationships behind and dive into something completely new. A blank canvas, if you will.

But who knows? God will throw me into something new, something unexpected like he did with me countless times. But I'll try not to be scared. Because every time I got plunged into something, He was always there to help me out. He was there to replenish my strength when it was all gone. He helped me fill that blank canvas once before, and he can do it again.

Of course, it's hard trying not to be scared. In fact, its impossible to not be scared. With such a huge bridge to cross, there is always a sense of hesitance. What God does is he takes that hesitance and replaces it with faith.

So lead me where you want me to go. Anywhere, any time, every day.

Phil